Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
My liver just had a heart attack.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
