my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
