jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
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