He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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