those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
