Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize