best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
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