I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
