Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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