Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
