When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
