I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
