I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
