Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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