she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
