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• (860): View more from Connecticut

  I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.

  Fav 17 4525 738

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• (417): View more from Missouri

  I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.

  (1-417): View more from Missouri

  That's because you are an idiot.

  Fav 17 2148 5275

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• (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.

  Fav 6 5438 1057

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• (316): View more from Kansas

  Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.

  Fav 14 2690 1652

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• (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.

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• (695): View more from

  it was like a congratulatory penis slap

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• (940): View more from Texas

  Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.

  Fav 10 2230 829

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• (772): View more from Florida

  The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person

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• (954): View more from Florida

  Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?

  (305): View more from Florida

  It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.

  (954): View more from Florida

  STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn

  Fav 1 1430 695

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• (402): View more from Nebraska

  There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.

  Fav 3 617 538

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• (347): View more from New York

  Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes

  Fav 2 61 13

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• (417): View more from Missouri

  God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.

  Fav 1 71 6

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• (712): View more from Iowa

  sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?

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• (978): View more from Massachusetts

  Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.

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• (586): View more from Michigan

  Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.

  Fav 0 84 13

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