I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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