I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
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