How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
