If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
