Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Randomize
