you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
