Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
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