You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Randomize
