Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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