also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
