I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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