After last night, I could never be a politician.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
