Will you blow on my dice?
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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