someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
