good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
