I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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