I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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