im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
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