I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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