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• (818): View more from California

  I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.

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• (251): View more from Alabama

  I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.

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• (+10): View more from

  I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays

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• (510): View more from California

  It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.

  (1-510): View more from California

  First world problems?

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• (217): View more from Illinois

  I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina

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• (803): View more from South Carolina

  Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.

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• (740): View more from Ohio

  I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.

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• (505): View more from New Mexico

  It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back

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• (732): View more from New Jersey

  Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool

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• (402): View more from Nebraska

  Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...

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• (206): View more from Washington

  You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.

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• (757): View more from Virginia

  He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...

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• (310): View more from California

  I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.

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• (808): View more from Hawaii

  I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.

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• (870): View more from Arkansas

  Shame is for Republicans.

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