Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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