Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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