Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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