I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
