Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
