i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
