She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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