Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Randomize
