Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
