I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
