Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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