please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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