I'm eating all of the evidence.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
