He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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