he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
it's like heaven, but drunker
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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