i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
