I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
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