Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
