It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Vodka?
Forever.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
