but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
