i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize